Saturday, March 19, 2011

Spring Cleaning...this blog going forward, at least for a bit

This blog going forward, for now, will be twofold. You may have noticed over the past months that I haven't been blogging that much, there are a myriad of reasons why this is, including an increased travel schedule and helping Chris with his new business, but mostly its because I just haven't been that into cooking and or writing. If you have been reading this blog for a bit of time, you might remember an entry mentioning the fact that I had been diagnosed with vocal chord polyps, a side effect of an increased stress level. At the point that I was diagnosed I knew that my stress level had gotten to a stealth like point within my body, it was attacking me and I didn't know how to stop it. I tried a number of things to try and alleviate the stress, I downloaded meditation podcasts, started doing yoga again everyweek and began listening to meditation and chanting music in the morning while I got ready for work. None of this helped, in fact, I've just been getting worse the stress has grown and evolved into a part of me, a second voice, talking in my head all day, and its no longer just about the stress of work, or Chris' business, the only way I can describe it is, it's like the stress opened up a wound inside of me, a wound that has always been there, maybe I always knew it was there, maybe I ignored it, maybe I was unaware, but whatever the case, I've become incapable of being "okay". I wake up every morning wrestling with the thoughts of what I did wrong the day before, all the things that could I could have done better. I drag myself out of bed, look in the mirror and belittle myself for the not taking better care of myself, for having had that second glass of wine, "why couldn't I have had just one?" and don't even get me started with the self loathing that happens every morning when I get on the scale, and yes, I get on the scale every morning no matter what - and that inevitably causes a heated inner dialogue about how much easier and better life would be if I wasn't such a fat fuck. There are days when I actually think I can feel my body expanding into the fat suite that I wear subconsciously all the time. And sometimes, when I am alone, my chest, my heart, it just aches and I cry, because I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to enjoy this life I have worked so fucking hard to create. I want to wake up and not have to tell Chris that I am "having a hard day, inside."


This, what you have just read, is so very hard for me to write, please know this, but, what was even harder was admitting that I needed help, that I cannot conquer this alone. So, I have indeed reached out to a therapist who specializes in stress and anxiety disorders, I start therapy on 3/30. I'm anxious, nervous, excited and scared, but most of all I'm relieved.


It is my hope that I will see her regularly, and then blog about my experience and my journey; being as honest and forward as I can be. All the while, staying true to form within this blog, meaning, this blog will still be about food; well, me and food. Getting back into the kitchen, getting back to cooking, something that I love to do is - is far overdue. I love this blog, I've strayed from her, from me, from everything for long enough. 


So, here I am, at the beginning of this journey, follow it if you want, I promise the recipes at least will be good.


Thanks
Jules

17 comments:

Erin said...

I can't imagine how hard this was to share with everyone. Best wishes! I hope the therapy helps you get to where you want to be. {{HUGS}}

JB said...

Erin, thank you for reading and for commenting. I'm so very nervous about therapy, but I know that I need to do this, it's not optional, its necessary. I need to get better, I need to get back to me. Thanks Again!

laura said...

J - I don't know why I stumbled back onto your blog today of all days, but I just want you to know that you're not alone, and I wish you only the best. Therapy can be so wonderful... I hope you find a situation that fits for you, and that you can get back to being "you". Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I am going through something very similar at the moment and I am also just jumping on-board with therapy. I hope we start feeling better soon.

TaraTC said...

I love it when your blog updates pop up in my reader, but was sad to see you've been having a rough time. You're in my thoughts - and bravo for having the courage to start therapy AND to be so open about it. I hope you start feeling better soon, you deserve to wake up in the mornings and appreciate how awesome you are.

Kate B said...

I wish you the best on your journey. It must have been hard to share this - but maybe sharing will lighten the burden some.

Jennywenny said...

Thank you for sharing. I sometimes feel a bit like this and I can appreciate how hard it is just to get out of bed every morning and keep going. I hope you get through it... Thinking of you.

Brenna said...

Julie you are so far from alone in this, and you will find your way out of it. I always look forward to your posts and I look forward to future ones, because you are interesting and funny and smart, and I give a shit about what you have to say and about how you're feeling. I'm not going anywhere.

Ann MacIntosh said...

Hi, You don't know me at all, but I have been reading your blog for some time now. Several times my husband has found me laughing with tears in my eyes because of something that you wrote. Thank you. I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well and glad that you are seeking help. I wish you the very best.
Ann

JB said...

Everyone, thank you for your comments, they do mean the world to me, and for those of you who have reached out to me personally, I can't thank you enough either.

I am so looking forward to getting back to this blog, to you, to me, to writing. Hold on people, I'm coming.

Meg said...

Oh, Jules, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Kudos for going out to ask for help. You are a good person, deserving of feeling good about yourself. I look forward to hearing that the therapy is helping you feel better. Hang in there and know we're rooting for you. Sometime if you want to go out for a run some weekend, let me know. We'll make it work! xoxo

JB said...

Meg, I would love that. I'm in training right now for a half marathon in May and some of my runs are getting pretty lonely. I'll be in touch about running.

Kerrie said...

Best wishes, Julie. Thank you for sharing with us despite being so difficult. Thinking of you. We've missed you! I hope the therapy helps provide you some of the help you need.

Tricia said...

Julie, I am so sorry you are going through this and offer you best wishes and good thoughts in your journey through therapy. I have always loved reading your recipes and look forward to visiting again. Many hugs to you.
~ Tricia

AM said...

You're a brave woman. I wish you the best with therapy.

Joy said...

Julie,
I am so sorry I am just replying now, I am wayyyy behind on my google reader! I hate when people say I know how you feel so I won't say that but I certainly empathize with the compulsion to weigh yourself daily and I definitely have had my fair share of "earfuls" from that damn inner critic! If there is anything I can do to help please let me know

Joy

Lesley said...

Sending you a hug and wishing you the best. Please reach out here again when you need to. We are all your biggest fans, even though you might not know some of us personally. Looking forward to more recipes and writing.