This blog going forward, for now, will be twofold. You may have noticed over the past months that I haven't been blogging that much, there are a myriad of reasons why this is, including an increased travel schedule and helping Chris with his new business, but mostly its because I just haven't been that into cooking and or writing. If you have been reading this blog for a bit of time, you might remember an entry mentioning the fact that I had been diagnosed with vocal chord polyps, a side effect of an increased stress level. At the point that I was diagnosed I knew that my stress level had gotten to a stealth like point within my body, it was attacking me and I didn't know how to stop it. I tried a number of things to try and alleviate the stress, I downloaded meditation podcasts, started doing yoga again everyweek and began listening to meditation and chanting music in the morning while I got ready for work. None of this helped, in fact, I've just been getting worse the stress has grown and evolved into a part of me, a second voice, talking in my head all day, and its no longer just about the stress of work, or Chris' business, the only way I can describe it is, it's like the stress opened up a wound inside of me, a wound that has always been there, maybe I always knew it was there, maybe I ignored it, maybe I was unaware, but whatever the case, I've become incapable of being "okay". I wake up every morning wrestling with the thoughts of what I did wrong the day before, all the things that could I could have done better. I drag myself out of bed, look in the mirror and belittle myself for the not taking better care of myself, for having had that second glass of wine, "why couldn't I have had just one?" and don't even get me started with the self loathing that happens every morning when I get on the scale, and yes, I get on the scale every morning no matter what - and that inevitably causes a heated inner dialogue about how much easier and better life would be if I wasn't such a fat fuck. There are days when I actually think I can feel my body expanding into the fat suite that I wear subconsciously all the time. And sometimes, when I am alone, my chest, my heart, it just aches and I cry, because I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to enjoy this life I have worked so fucking hard to create. I want to wake up and not have to tell Chris that I am "having a hard day, inside."
This, what you have just read, is so very hard for me to write, please know this, but, what was even harder was admitting that I needed help, that I cannot conquer this alone. So, I have indeed reached out to a therapist who specializes in stress and anxiety disorders, I start therapy on 3/30. I'm anxious, nervous, excited and scared, but most of all I'm relieved.
It is my hope that I will see her regularly, and then blog about my experience and my journey; being as honest and forward as I can be. All the while, staying true to form within this blog, meaning, this blog will still be about food; well, me and food. Getting back into the kitchen, getting back to cooking, something that I love to do is - is far overdue. I love this blog, I've strayed from her, from me, from everything for long enough.
So, here I am, at the beginning of this journey, follow it if you want, I promise the recipes at least will be good.